Accidents
by RawrFangMonster
Summary: Tony's day could not get worse. Until it did.


A/N Hello everybody, apologies to those who were expecting MR or something sooner, but I've been writing lots and finishing none. Until today. Let it just be said, now, for the record, that Robert Downey Jr is the awesomest person to walk the earth. Yes, he has a history, but don't we all? And he's reformed, anyway. Forgive and forget. Especially those who are most awesome. And most talented. And, of course, most drop dead gorgeous. Because love him or hate him, you have to concede that.

And, oh my god, Iron Man 2 is going to be pants-wettingly fun. I'm going to go see it on Monday. My excitement is tangible. I hear he dances drunkenly. Just imagine what that looks like.

Anyway, here's my story. I've nicked bits here and there of stories which you might know, and I'm ashamed of that, but it fits so well so I hope I'll be forgiven. And thanks to those with originals.

* * *

**Disclaimer: I haven't even been associated with Iron Man, Robert Downey, or Marvel besides happily buying movie tickets and DVDs so I suppose that clears my name of any wrong-doing. But just in case, I own nothing. **

* * *

Tony's day so far had been bad. Very bad. To begin with, a frantic Jarvis had woken him up at exactly three past two in the morning, because 'you were dead, sir'. No, he damn well hadn't been, and he had a full set of healthy vital signs to vouch for him, but the damage was done and he couldn't go back to sleep.

An hour later, Tony slammed his pillow down on the bed beside him.

"Gaarrghh."

"Sir?" his faithful AI inquired. "Are you quite all right? According to numerous members of the medical profession, that was not within the range of normal sounds for adult males to make. You don't even seem to be dead this time, sir."

Tony rolled his eyes.

"I wasn't dead the first time, Jarvis. I...don't even know how you came to that conclusion."

"...I've run an express search through my operating system, but I cannot locate the answer to your question, sir."

Tony sighed, and decided he had better get up and face the world before he was pronounced dead again.

Rolling out of bed, he slipped up in his sheets and crashed to the ground. Tony lay there wondering why he had gone with the thinner carpet last week. The shade was nicer, but it was now made very clear he should have bought the extra thick one. He was rich, right? Rich people had thick carpet, right? So why didn't he?

_Because despite being labelled as a 'genius', you don't actually have any brains_, Tony told himself sullenly.

Groaning, he got to his feet and slipped on a t-shirt over his boxers, and decided that he really, really needed a coffee. He stumbled into the kitchen, and, disregarding the fact that it was not even four a.m., started the machine. His house was quiet and peaceful apart from the gentle hum of the coffee brewing.

That was, however, until the unmistakeable choke and splutter and the subsequent muted explosion. Coffee beans sprayed everywhere.

"Coffee machines don't explode. It never happens. It just doesn't." Tony babbled.

"Well, sir, it appears to have happened at least once in the history of mankind."

"Don't be a smartass, Jarvis. It doesn't suit you."

"Need I, sir, remind you that it was you yourself who programmed my responses?"

"Re: Smartassness doesn't suit you."

"As you wish, sir. And perhaps you may find it helpful to be informed that there is a kettle in the second cupboard on the right. You can still have your coffee."

"Thank you, Jarvis. It's lovely when you play nice."

Absolutely certain the AI was rolling his nonexistent eyes, Tony looked in the cupboard. He was met with an electric mixer, a rice cooker, a waffle maker, a sandwich press, and a spare toaster, which hit him in the eye and fell on the floor, shattering into many tiny pieces.

Dodging the toaster carcass and frowning heavily, with a hand covering what would be for sure the best shiner he'd ever seen, Tony peered into the cupboard.

"Jarvis, I see no such kettle. I think you gave me a big, fat story."

"Perhaps the cupboard next to it, sir."

And so the AI and the genius hunted around the kitchen for the elusive kettle. Once realising he had checked the same drawer thrice, Tony gave up.

"I don't even need hot water, do I, Jarvis?"

"Well, sir, I would actually advise-"

But it was too late, and Tony threw some coffee beans into his mouth. Once Tony had stopped gagging and rinsing his mouth out, Jarvis made the wise decision not to comment.

Glaring, Tony finally chose to forgo the coffee. Instead, he poured some cereal into a bowl and splashed some milk over it. He didn't trust himself with the stove.

Once Tony had nearly finished, he realised the milk tasted awfully, and he felt very sick. Paling to the colour of paper, Tony ran as fast as he dared to the nearest toilet. And thus recommenced the gagging.

* * *

Pepper's day so far had been lovely. She had a wonderful, uninterrupted night's sleep, a warm coffee, and a hot breakfast of eggs and toast. And even though today there was a very important meeting that Tony _had_ to go to, she wasn't worried. Mostly because she had asked Jarvis the day before to remind Tony at least an hour in advance. And then every five minutes. She felt great.

Stepping into her office at Stark Industries, the cool air washing over her, she set down to work. It was seven o'clock.

The next time she looked up, it was eight-thirty, and Tony was stumbling in. She frowned slightly; his meeting wasn't until eleven, and he had no appointments. It was then that Pepper noticed, that despite Tony looking handsome as ever, he was trying to hide a limp, and looked a little haggard.

"Mr Stark? Are you okay? Your meeting isn't until eleven, you know."

Tony started, and looked up.

"Oh, hey Pepper. Yeah, I know. Thought I might clear up some paperwork in advance."

Pepper gave him a sceptical look.

"You don't do paperwork. Your desk even has a sign, 'Redirect Paperwork to Nearest Flat Surface'. And- oh my god, what happened to your eye, Tony? You weren't out in the suit, were you?"

"No, no, just had a little run in with a toaster. Well, I know you always ignore that sign, and I thought-"

"What do you mean 'a toaster'?"

Tony looked blankly at her.

"You know...box that magically turns your bread crispy...makes a 'popping' sound...is surprisingly heavy..."

Irritably, she answered, "Of course I know what a toaster is. But how did you get it in your eye?"

Tony flailed around for an answer before settling on the truth.

"...Fell out of the cupboard."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously. Jarvis tried to tell me the kettle was in there. It wasn't. I don't even own a kettle."

"Why did you need a kettle?"

Tony sighed. "My coffee machine blew up. Lucky I don't have any neighbours, because an explosion at three in the morning would result in some nasty letters."

"You had coffee at three in the morning?"

"Tried. _Tried_ to have coffee at three in the morning. Jarvis woke me up earlier to tell me I was dead, and I couldn't get back to sleep."

"...Seriously?"

"Yes, seriously. Then I had some bad milk-"

"-Sir, that was only after you tried to eat those coffee beans, remember?"

Tony glared down at his computer.

"Why I even installed you on my work computer I will never know. Yes, I do remember. I was trying to forget that particularly stupid part of my life. Thank you, Jarvis."

"You're welcome, sir."

Tony sighed. "And...oh yeah, I dropped a gauntlet on my foot. Another surprisingly heavy item. But that was only because my fabulous AI persuaded Butterfingers to do up my laces, without my knowledge. _He can't do up laces_, Jarvis. He just ties them together."

"Ah yes, I remember now, sir. That was when you fell flat on your face. The second time today, too. Amazing."

"There was a first time?" Pepper asked, intrigued.

"Yes, Ms Potts. When he rolled out of bed he lost his footing."

"...Wow, Jarvis, you really love embarrassing your boss, don't you?"

"It is my pleasure, sir."

"Figures. Well, Peps, it was about then- that is, after I dropped the gauntlet-"

"-And fell over-"

Tony continued as if Jarvis didn't exist.

"-I decided to come into work early so no matter what extraordinarily evil circumstances I found myself in, I could still get to this Very Important Meeting."

"I admire your devotion to your job, Tony. Very impressive."

Tony sighed.

* * *

Pepper checked her watch for the twentieth time. Ten past eleven, and still no Tony. She knew his luck had been pretty rotten, but she was worried.

Suddenly, the door burst open, and a dishevelled, battered Tony staggered in. Blinking, he turned on the charm and apologised for being late. Taking his place beside his assistant, he immediately looked the 'capable, competent, CEO'. Beneath the mask he crumbled a bit, and resolved to be as quietly unobtrusive as he could, as he felt he wasn't up to much today.

Kicking him under the table, Pepper muttered under her breath, "And why exactly are you ten minutes late?"

He gave her a miserable look. "The elevator got stuck, and then I ran into a door."

Pepper made a tiny choking sound and got some strange looks. Tony glared at her.

"In no possible way is that funny."

Pepper just bit her lip and looked away.

Tony gritted his teeth and attempted to look interested in the meeting.

"According to the early blueprints of the new thermodynamic/electromagnetic dual power sourced economic running devices, the ratio of electric output to thermic input is not reliable, and to avoid the possible negative consequences of a plasmic discharge, the anisotropic and gyrofrequency properties must be re-examined and incorporated into the design..."

Tony gave up on looking interested. He never did well with electromagnetism in school.

Even so, he strongly suspected the man rattling off indecipherable phrases and equations to have his facts wrong.

"Ah, excuse me, sir, someone is here to speak with you." Tony blinked as the floor supervisor tapped him lightly on the shoulder.

"Er, fine. Thanks." Tony muttered an 'excuse me for a minute, people' and quietly left the room.

Pepper, looking rather too gleeful than she ought to be rid of the technological jargon, quickly followed suit.

Stepping outside, she was just in time to see the man wishing to talk to Tony push him up against the wall and lock lips with him. After a quick, intense moment, he pulled away, releasing Tony.

Pepper only then realised the entire meeting room had been watching through the glass walls, and as one person their jaws had dropped open. But they weren't half as surprised as Tony. He was absolutely stunned.

And as for Pepper, well, half of her wanted to laugh hysterically, but the other half just wanted to groan and hide her head in her hands. This was so embarrassing.

"...What?" Tony managed.

The man was overjoyed to be in the company of the famous Tony Stark, and to have him actually _talk_ to him, a lowly accountant, well...

"I- I won your competition! The Win A Kiss From Tony Stark one. I had to answer some questions about you and then about a week ago I found out that I had won!"

"...What?"

The man giggled and brushed Tony's suit jacket.

"Oh, you know. Mostly women entered, but you chose me! And to think I always thought you were straight. I entered out of hope, and see where I am today!"

Tony stared, speechless.

Continuing on, the man noticed something. "Oh no! What happened to your eye? It doesn't detrack from your looks, believe me, it gives you that ruff 'n' tuff appearance, but that had to hurt!"

The man started gently touching Tony's face, carefully stroking the various bumps and bruises he had accumulated over his day.

Tony had frozen, eyes wide with shock, before muttering in realisation, "Rhodey."

Blinking and stumbling back, Tony spoke rapidly.

"It was Rhodey, wasn't it? Colonel James Rhodes? He set this up. Maybe there really was a comp- no, there can't have been. I would have found out. So did Rhodey pay you? Or perhaps he gave you and only you information on this so-called competition. Then you 'entered', and then a couple weeks later you 'won'. But how'd you get in here? How'd you find me? Nevermind, you could ask anyone in this building and they'd tell you. Rhodey is so gonna die for this. Like, really gonna die. There's closed circuit cameras in here and this is at present being broadcast to the worl-"

"Tony." Pepper lay a hand on his arm. "Shush. "

"What?"

"It's all right. Now let this poor man go. I'm sorry, sir, but you're here under false pretences. If you wouldn't mind, I'll send someone to take you to the entrance, and call you up a cab. Have a good day."

After that, Pepper led the reeling Tony away.

"Hang on, Peps, I still have that meeting. Yeah, I realise they saw the whole thing, but, you know, I have to go back."

Pepper was doubtful. "You're sure?"

"Yup. Back to the thermoplasmicmagnetism doodah. Listen, it'll look ten times worse if I just left."

"Yeah," said Pepper wryly, "it would."

Tony glared at her. She couldn't help it; she burst out laughing. She was completely incapacitated. The _look_ on Tony's face...

"Potts, if you value your life, or, at the very least, your pay check, you will stop laughing," threatened Tony, hiding a smile at his assistant's obvious mirth.

"T-Tony," she gasped, clutching her sides, "you- you can keep your pay check. Stick it it up your backside for all I care. J- Just let me have the video."

Again exploding into uncontrollable peals of laughter, Pepper let herself be steered towards the meeting room. A quick 'If you don't shut up right now, so help me God', and they were in.

The silent meeting room, full of people who had been avoiding each other's eyes and biting their lips, took one look at the shell-shocked Tony and his PA's merriment and cracked up themselves.

Tony sighed.

"Oh yes, just because unfortunate things have been happening to your boss you're entitled to laugh at him. It's _so_ hilarious."

Wheezing, Pepper squealed, "You were kissed by a man!"

And the room went to pieces.

* * *

"Girrrllls just wanna have fuh-un! Ohhh, girls just wanna have fun!"

Rhodey's computer was blasting music to the room. And he couldn't turn it off.

* * *

Did you like it? I loved writing it, but that's me.

R&R?


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